God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
Randomize
