I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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