omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
