She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
