Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
i hate that site..its like every vagina you dont wanna see
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
