people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
dude. I can hear the air.
Randomize
