Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
