Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
Randomize
