saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Randomize
