there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
