the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
Is it cum slut, cumslut or cum-slut? Sexting, plz advise ASAP
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
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