GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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