I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Randomize
