I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
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