he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
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