Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
