The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
Randomize
