I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Randomize
