her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Randomize
