Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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