be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize