she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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