Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
We just shotgunned beers for America
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
