I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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