My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize