he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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