my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
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