It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
there is glitter all over my balls
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
