I wish I could punch you in the face.
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Randomize