Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
