if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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