Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
zippers are such a cool invention
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
