Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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