I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Randomize
