tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
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