At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Randomize
