I can't breathe out the right side of my face
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
Randomize
