ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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