I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
