i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
