There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
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