Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
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