i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
Randomize