Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Randomize
