Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
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