I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
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