oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Randomize
