woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
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