I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
Randomize
