my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Randomize
