shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
