my mouth tastes like poor choices
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
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