I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Randomize
