Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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