I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
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