im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
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