I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
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