When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Randomize
