I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
