Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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