I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
who has a one night stand on Christmas ? But he's pretty attractive so thumbs up
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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