I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Randomize
