i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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