I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
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