I need help removing her.
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Randomize
