just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Randomize
