I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
Either way, he made a blog for his cat.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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